Being a mom is hard. Moms are tough and sometimes I feel like I lack that toughness. I think I experience 8 million emotions in a day. Before I had Lucy I remember having a convo with my mom that went like this:
She said “Candace, you think you love me, you think you love Drew, but you don’t know what love is until you have that precious baby in your arms.” At the time I had no idea what she was talking about.
But oh how right she was. Of course I love my mom and love my husband but the love I feel for Lucy is completely different. Sometimes it feels like my heart is literally going to explode from the love and feelings I have for her. A person I’ve known for 4 months but feels like she should have always been here.
Some mornings I have to make a conscious decision to get up and get her ready for the day. There are some days that I just want to ignore the fact that I have work and spend the entire day with her. I love my job. I love my students and love seeing their sweet smiling faces each morning. I know I am exactly where God wants me but leaving Lucy each day is tough. Some days are easier and then some days, well they aren’t any fun. I rely on God’s strength, peace and grace daily.
We have become so thankful for our weeknights and weekends. Drew and I cherish those precious moments with Lucy. It is the best feeling to come home from work and know that I get to hang out with her. However, there are times when I need to be somewhere or we want to go do something and those emotions sneak in (guilt, fear, anxiousness). At times, I feel guilty going to work because I am missing those sweet moments with her: smiles, laughs, rolling over, etc but I also know that the Lord has called me to teaching and that’s what is best for Lucy right now: me to teach.
At times, I feel guilty going somewhere after work without Lucy because again I am missing something. It’s really hard. It’s a component of this mom thing that I never thought about and no one really told me how to deal with it. We try and do as much together as a family as possible but there are times (just to keep us sane and having a healthy marriage) that we need to get out as a couple or with friends and be Candace and Drew. Although I feel like those times are spent with us talking about how we have the most beautiful baby in the world and that we just miss her, wonder what she’s doing, is she ok, etc.
I have seen how a mom’s work is never finished through the amount of things my mom has helped me with. When I was on bed rest, she drove me to all my appointments, she spent a few nights after Lucy was born here helping and now she brings Lucy to Cincinnati Children’s hospital 3 times a week for me while I am working. I would be so lost without my mom. I am so thankful for the example she has been for me growing up.
Being a new mom is hard. Really hard at times. But it is so so worth it. The first time Lucy looked at me and smiled it was AMAZING. The first time she laughed I could have cried from pure happiness. I am far from being perfect at being a mom and I have no way figured out the balance of being a mom and being Candace but I do know that nothing makes me happier.
And on the tough days, the not so “instagram worthy” days I lean on the Lord for strength and guidance.